“If you are an illegal immigrant please press 1. Para Espanol marque dos.

Please listen to our menu carefully. Our deportation options have changed.

If you are an illegal immigrant and have no criminal record please press 1.

If you are an illegal immigrant with a criminal record, please press 2.

You have pressed 2. Please state your name and address clearly after the tone. An ICE will come by shortly to detain you. Thank you for your cooperation.”

But suppose you pressed 1.

“If you are an illegal immigrant with a valid ID please press 1.

For quality assurance purposes an ICE Agent may monitor your call.(That’s your FISA dollars at work)

Please enter your 9 digit Social Security number followed by the # sign to see if you are eligible for this special limited time self –deportation offer.

Please hold while we verify your Social Security number…

Sorry, your Social Security number already exists.
Press 1 if you would like accept a plea bargain with 5 months jail time.
Press 2 if you would like an ankle bracelet.
Press 3 to self deport now.
Press 0 at any time for an ICE agent.

Thank you for using Self-Deport. We hope you had a pleasant stay in the U.S. and we wish you a safe onward journey.”

Indians, being notoriously cheap and ever willing to exploit the government for a nickel and dime, my friend wondered if the self-deport scheme extended beyond Mexico.

“Could I somehow get a free ticket to India?” he wondered. “Airfares are getting really expensive.”

I had to disillusion him. The government isn’t going to pay your way home. In fact ICE suggests you show up for self-deportation with “Any flight preparations that may have been prepared or requested.”

If you really want someone to pay for your deportation, according to the New York Times your best bet these days would be a hospital.

Of course you could always just drive across the border back to Mexico if you really wanted to deport yourself. But please consider self-deportation. It’s easy, it’s convenient, and you can do it yourself. It’s the ultimate example of American can-do-ness. Americans install their own kitchen cabinets, fix their own cars, build their own patios. They have self-service everything from teller machines to coffee.

Now you have self deportation. How much more American can you be?